Things That Are, and Aren't

Most of us are at least passingly familiar with the litany of changes that accompany pregnancy. The obvious alteration of outward appearance, weight gain, hormonal changes, various pains and discomforts. From what I understand, the mother-to-be also experiences some kinds of side effects owing to her role in the pregnancy.

I kid, I kid.

In all seriousness, all of us have friends, or family members, who have gone through this who verify that yes, there's a lot of stuff that goes along with the obvious. For whatever reason, and I am furiously knocking on what I hope is wood while typing this, my wife has experienced none of these. Yet. Did I just jinx myself? To review:

1) Morning Sickness. Have heard this is terrible. In fact, it can, in extreme cases (hyperemesis gravidarum) lead to profound dehydration, even death. That’s what led Merrell Dow to develop Bendectin, people with deformed babies who took Bendectin to blame Merrell Dow, Merrell Dow to subsequently remove it from the US market (while it remains FDA approved, is widely available outside of the US, and the US has no effective treatment for morning sickness available), and the Supreme Court to issue my favorite opinion related to the law of evidence, Daubert v. Merrell Dow Pharmaceuticals. Up yours, Frye! I know. I have serious issues. My wife, however, does not, at least regarding this particular side effect, except for;

2) Appetite Alteration. The baby hates coffee. At least that’s what the wife thinks, since the only time she has “retention issues” is immediately following her morning half-cup of coffee. And before you militants out there get indignant (“COFFEE! WHILE SHE’S PREGNANT? UNFIT! UNFIT!!), the wife has EXPLICIT APPROVAL from HER BOARD-CERTIFIED OBSTETRICIAN. The conversation, to which I was not privy, in relation went something like this:

Wife: “well, what do I need to avoid, now that I’m pregnant?”
Doc: “Well, is there anything in particular you’re concerned about?”
Wife: “I really like wine, and I really need coffee.”
Doc: “Eh, nothing wrong with a cup every morning, and a glass every now and then.”
Wife: “Really?”
Doc: “Is lying to you really worth losing my license, given that your husband is an fear-inducing and omnipotent attorney? I just peed myself a little thinking about him.”

OK, I made that last part up, but everything else is a fair approximation of what actually took place. By and large, we (meaning American parents) have transmogrified into a bunch of whining pussies hell-bent on protecting our kids from as many ill as possible. For the love of god, my mother drank a beer a day while breastfeeding me – common medical wisdom of the time holding that brewer’s yeast was good for lactation. Or maybe my mom was a lush, I’m really not sure. I am, and I think our doc is as well, of the Benjamin Franklin school of parenting; all things in moderation. Stop and think before you act, but don’t develop a complex about it. If you don’t approve of my methods, see yesterday’s post.

Oh, the kid doesn’t like ice cream, either. What the hell is wrong with them? This better not be a trend.

3) Internal Movement. This one is a little discomfiting. Because we’re still relatively early in the process, the Wife not feeling the kid moving around isn’t that odd; after all, they’re the size of a peanut at this point (giving rise to perhaps what is destined to be their unfortunate nickname once born) and can’t move a lot of their surroundings. However, and the ultrasound bears this one out, they’re swimming like a fish. That son-of-a-gun was turning somersaults while the Wife was watching. She felt nothing, though. That’s not gonna last, is it?

4) Hormonal Changes. OK, here’s where the Wife is manifesting her pregnancy. Not so much with the mood swings, for which I remain profoundly grateful, but with her complexion. The Wife is a beautiful woman, who is constantly and consistently mistaken for someone at least ten years her junior. Now that she is nearly constantly broken out with facial acne, we could probably go for twenty years her junior. I don’t notice these things (Heck, I hardly notice when she gets a haircut; not because I don’t care, but because I’m not looking for it. And I don’t care.), but she has officially begun Freaking Out About It. It’s temporary, right? Either the acne or the freaking out? Please? Bueller?

All things considered, it’s been smooth sailing so far. My fingers are crossed, I’m thinking about breaking my Church Ban to light a candle, and I may stop by a farm to butcher a goat as a sacrifice to keep it that way. My best efforts aside, I can’t help but feel it’s not really up to me.